“Navigating the Holidays” Series- Part 1: Preparing your Mind and Heart for the Holidays

The holidays can bring up a mix of feelings.  For some, the holidays are fun and exciting. For others, they can be stressful, chaotic and overwhelming.  And still for others, they can be lonely, depressing and sad.  It’s possible that you feel all of these at some point during the holidays.  As a mental health professional, I have consistently seen an increase in referrals for anxiety and depression during this time.

One common event tends to be families getting together.  This can be a time of joy but also comes mixed with a lot of stress and difficult feelings.

Family gatherings can be emotionally charged for many people. We tend to fall into our old patterns when we are around family, despite how much we’ve grown and how independent we’ve become.  Common triggers arise from a mix of old family dynamics, unmet expectations, and stressors.

Let’s start preparing for these now so we can have a peaceful moment with family.

Reflect on expectations and intentions.

Being mindful of your expectations and intentions going into family gatherings can make a huge difference in how emotionally steady and grounded you feel. What is it that you want to get out of your visit with your family?  What would make this gathering feel “good enough”, not “perfect”? Where might you need to adjust your expectations? What does taking care of yourself look like?

Consider the following expectations you might have:

“Everyone should get along.”

“This year will be different.”

“I have to please everyone.”

“It’s my job to keep the peace.”

“We should all feel close and connected.”

“Holidays are supposed to feel joyful.”

Instead, consider setting these intentions:

Grounded presence

Self-compassion

Boundaries with kindness

Curiosity over judgment

Realistic connection

Focus on Meaning

Anticipate Triggers.

The first step to anticipating the triggers is to be able to identify what the triggers are.  Reflect back on past visits with family or certain family members or friends. What was that like?  What did you feel?  Examine situations and patterns.  Is there something that tends to bring out difficult emotions?

Here are some common triggers during this time:

Old family roles resurfacing

Unresolved past conflicts

Differing values or lifestyles

Favoritism or comparisons

Boundary Violations

Crowded or chaotic environments

Financial pressure

Grief and loss

Substance use

High expectations for “togetherness”

Personal stress or burnout

Guilt or obligation

Perfectionism

Define Boundaries.

Based on the situations/triggers you identified, now think about what you need.  What would help avoid or manage the situation?  Is there anything you can implement ahead of time to minimize the potential effects? 

Boundaries can look like many things. Sometimes a boundary can look like getting your own place to stay.  Boundaries can also look like communicating assertively about needs and wants, expectations and intentions.  There are many types of boundaries. 

Consider the following boundaries:

Emotional and emotional safety boundaries- Limit information you want to share. Refuse unhelpful conversations. Take breaks when needed

Time boundaries- Set arrival and departure times ahead of time, leave early if needed. Protect downtime before or after the event. Avoid overcommitting.

Physical and environment boundaries- Limit alcohol if tends to cause issues, create personal space. Bring what you need to stay grounded.

Financial boundaries- Set a clear budget. Decline costly activities.

Conversation boundaries- Decline uncomfortable or unwanted conversations.

Relational boundaries-Limited contact with certain people. Enlist a helpful ally to redirect or interrupt conversations. Avoid being the mediator.

Remember, boundaries are “gates”.  You get to choose what you want to let through the gate. They can be kind and gentle, but firm.

Plan strategies to manage feelings when they arise.  Plan grounding and recovery time.

Expect the same patterns to play out.  Role play and think ahead of things you can say or do when they arise.  How will you manage your own emotions?  What are things you can say before things get escalated? How can you handle things if they do get escalated?  Think ahead of coping strategies you can use.

Remember, you are feeling emotionally flooded and your nervous system is sensing a threat due to old dynamics, past hurt or overstimulation.

Here are some coping strategies you can use:

Ground your body using various grounding techniques.

Take a time-out and get some air, take deep breaths.

Hold something cold.

Reality-check the moment and identify if you are currently safe in the moment.  Remind yourself you are  not in the past but in the current moment. 

Have a “go-to” mantra you can say in your head to remind you such as “I can choose peace in this moment”.  “I am safe in this moment”.

Have an exit plan.

Nurture Emotional Safety

Emotional safety means feeling secure enough to express feelings, needs and boundaries. Tracking your moods and journaling will help you feel grounded and aware of your emotional capacity.  Make it part of your routine during the holiday and during gatherings that may be stressful.

Take time to yourself to practice deep breathing or mediation.

Reflect and journal on your emotional state, intentions, needs.

Take time for yourself.  Exercise, take a walk, get some fresh air.

Take a time out to take deep breaths and get time for yourself.

Practice self-validation, self-compassion, emotion regulation and self-trust.

Practice non-judgmental listening- listen to understand, not fix or defend. Be present.

Communicate clearly and kindly, not out of strong emotions or reactions.

Respect yours and others’ boundaries.

Create a culture of compassion.

Create a “Holiday Care Plan”.

Finally, create a plan for the Holiday Season to include all the things listed above as well as taking time for yourself and self-care activities. Stay tuned for upcoming blogs in the series including an example “Holiday Care Plan”.